First of all; great work Frank! I think the story is really starting to click into place. This script will work beautifully to storyboard from, and I think we all owe you a big "thanks" for taking on the challenge of getting all of these ideas down on paper.
This script really does hit all of the main points well, and I think if we left it here it would still kick ass. That said, in an effort to make this puppy the best it can be I have a few small notes (some are just things to think about and others are points that I remember us discussing that don't seem to have made it into this draught):
1) In a just a few spots I think the dialogue feels a bit clunky and could be more streamlined, but actually recording the lines will give us natural solutions to this.
2) I worry about the set up of the climax (ie. parachute gag):
Remember that for the whole thing to work it has to be clear that Death pressured ES into adding the parachute. This is important because it seems out of character for ES to add one on his own, so when it deploys people might question the whole scenerio if the idea hasn't been properly foreshadowed. As well, if Evil Stevil added it himself it would be his own damn fault that it almost causes him to fail, and I don't think that would be as strong as if it were death's fault. On a related note, we may want to work in death taking particular exception to the danger of the final jump. This way, when he frees ES to do the jump in the end it means something specific. The solution to both of these issues is as simple and quick as changing the dialogue at the top of the jump to ES doing a pre-jump checklist (as we had discussed in group):
Death is examining the shoddy workmanship of the jump while ES is going over his his checklist.
ES:"Peg-leg wheel: check. Boosters: check. Automatic traction control: check. Colostomy bag: check."
ES: "Gal'darn it, you nancy boy with yer"safety" and "precautions". Take it and shove it."
Death: "Even if you survive all of those death traps, the chances of you clearing that gorge are infantecimal!"
ES: Bah! You worry too much, you dandy! (And continue on from here as is...)
3) I also think that we should consider all of the options for the actual execution of the pay off moment with the parachute. I think the audience needs to first see the chair malfunction (with a ZAP or something), then the chute deploying, and finally it snagging. There can be no doubt in their minds about what happened (ie. that it was a malfunction) or the whole situation won't read. As well, if it is done in steps (chair malfunctions, parachute pops out, drags along for a second, and then snags) we can have ES's increasingly concerned reactions to the calamity as it unfolds, taking advantage of the entertainment potential. I also worry about the snag happening at the end of the ramp, the whole situation (ie. he will fail but be safe) seems more clear if it happens before he reaches the ramp, and that way when he is released he will be able to zoom up the ramp to launch himself. I realize that DQ expressed concerns about this stopping the film, and while it runs the risk of doing so it seems like the other options just aren't clear enough in that it always looks like ES's life is in danger or that his chair can fly (which it cannot). This might be something that we just have to see in board form to know whether it will work, and I look forward to seeing what the Section 2 team comes up with.
Here is a bad sketch showing what I envision:
Anyway, there's my rant for today. Sorry about the length. And again, very good job on the script Frank, in my notes there is certainly nothing that can't be worked out when we're boarding and/or editing the leica reel. I hope everyone has a great weekend!